his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
