my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
