Your dad touched me again.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
