Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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