The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
