Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
