grandma shit on top of the toilet
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
