I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
