I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
