Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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