Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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