If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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