I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
