your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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