her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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