Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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