i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize