He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
