honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just pee around me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
