I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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