No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
