six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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