Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
