you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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