New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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