My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
