It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
