My first STD was from a foam party
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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