just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
only you would photoshop your dick
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
