Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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