the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
