Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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