Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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