everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
