A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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