i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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