so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
