i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize