Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
