I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
where are you?
Hypothermia
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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