So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
