a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
