so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
