i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
