I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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