My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
