Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
