The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
