I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize