i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Farmville is her only friend.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
