I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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