Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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