And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
