Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
