Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
