Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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