Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
