just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
