so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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