O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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