I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
