just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
