I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Randomize
