I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
