Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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