youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
