Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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